dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
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I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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