I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
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He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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