Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
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I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
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You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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