I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
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He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
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I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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