Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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