Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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