I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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