I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
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Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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