but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
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Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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