clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize