I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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