He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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