if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
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Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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