You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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