Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
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KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm getting married
To pizza
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize