i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
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when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
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My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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