forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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