she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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