New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he was CRYING into my vagina
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The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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