I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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