I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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