You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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