Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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