you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize