So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize