I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
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We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
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Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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