It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
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couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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