Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
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I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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