you traded sex for a burrito?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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