Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
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So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
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On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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