Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
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We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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