When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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