i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
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All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
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He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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