My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize