He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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