She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
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She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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