the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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