Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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