I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
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I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
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We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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