Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
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I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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