you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It's Friday. Sex?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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