Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize