Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
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You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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