Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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