If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
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I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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