Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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