We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
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DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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