why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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