happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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