We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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